(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
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boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.