I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
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8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”