In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
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I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.