The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
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I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests