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I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood