I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
You Might Also Like
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
This took me a second..
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
#Caturday
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.