the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
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Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something