The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
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Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.