fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
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ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I need to get some bricks…
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Seek kebab; not attention
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.