UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
You Might Also Like
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..