Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
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wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.