Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
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How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Wednesday
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old