Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
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We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.