Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
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If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
be careful
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
I get distracted pretty eas
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
how do lawyers not cry when arguing