A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
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My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
#have a #great #PancakeDay
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.