[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
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After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Challenge accepted.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean