WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
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Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.