Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
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Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory