Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
You Might Also Like
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.