Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
You Might Also Like
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.