Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
You Might Also Like
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!