Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
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Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying