You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
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“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
next level snooze
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.