Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
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To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
stand with me against insufficient seating
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great