My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
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How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
saving face 👀
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”