Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
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HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.