A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
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-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.