me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
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HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Ironic
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION