When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
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Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭