me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
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Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Best spot.. 😅
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.