A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
You Might Also Like
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
uncle dave has been through hell
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
🙄😏😂🤣
THIS HEADLINE
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.