Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
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I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
A drum solo but on your face.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop