me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
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5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”