I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
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You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
That’s classic.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
#Caturday
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing