[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
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Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.