[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
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Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.