Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
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I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Just as the prophecy foretold
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and