ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
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My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
How do you like your Corgi?
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.