Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
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My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]