*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
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My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.