I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
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“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I ate everything, including the H.