2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
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Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single