Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
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Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
mathematically impossible
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.