When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
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wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Spotted in New Orleans.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS