If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
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Love this one 😂🧟
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
dictator is short for richard potato
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?