My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
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USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love