*me flirting
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“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
yes… yes…
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.