Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
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Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.