me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
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The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Hey I worked for it too!
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.