[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
You Might Also Like
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Oh we’ve met.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this